The Elle Word

June 16, 2009

Crossing the threshold to “cougarlicious”

Filed under: dating,Men,relationships — by elle00 @ 2:08 am
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cougarAs I am just a few weeks away from 40, I’ve realized I am about to be that “cougar” who you see on TV and hear about nonstop. Personally, I like that label better than MILF, which quite frankly I find degrading and nasty.  But still, cougar has negative conotations yet it’s rewarded by high-fives when our male couterparts date younger women.

Why is that?

I’ve almost always dated someone younger than me – only by a year or two typically, though my major long-term relationships have been with someone my own age or older. I don’t look my age and so often younger men don’t expect me to be nearing 40 and of course, I don’t think I act whatever a 40 year old is supposed to act like either.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a succesful professional career and I’m not at all the kind of woman who needs a man to do anything for me. In fact, because of the idiots I have dated, I am probably on the extreme end of “Oh, I got this” and don’t really know how to let a man even do anything for me

As I am shy of a month from crossing the “cougar” threshhold, I am struggling with what it all means.  I have girlfriends who are around 30 and I like them and can hang out with them, yet a man at 30 approaches me and I think its too young.  So why, righ tnow, am I intrigued by a 25 year old man? And why have I given every excuse in the world NOT to go out with him…and he’s debunked them all as excuses and called me out.  In fact, he said, “If you go out with me and you aren’t attracted to me and you don’t like me then I will accept that, but all these excuses, why don’t you take a minute to get to know me?”

So the problem here is not so much that he’s 25…I guess…and those are certainly the words I would want a man to say to me. Long story short, I am gonna give the 25 year old a shot. In the last 4 years, he’s the only person who has really been interested in taking some real time to get to know me. It’s a shame, but guys are so into themselves, they are narcissitic and quite frankly, so many lie – don’t make me go back to the married man post – that this is a welcome change. Young or not. Make me a cougar or not.

I’m gonna check it out. Will report back later 🙂

June 15, 2009

Commitmentphobes wear dresses too…

Filed under: dating,Men,relationships — by elle00 @ 1:42 am
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And I am not talking about men in drag. Too often, ladies, and I am guilty of this myself, are attracted to the person who we know deep down inside is the least high risk for a real and deep relationship.  It’s the guys who are sweet, say the things we want them to say and call when they say they are going to call who we look at like they have 3 heads.

I know, I do it.  Luckily, the older I get, the more cognizant I am of my commitment issues. Being aware of them and being able to overcome them though, have to admit, it’s difficult. I haven’t figured out how, when a really nice guy is interested, to stop the immediate feelings of panic – from shortness of breath to nausea to heart racing – I feel it almost everytime. The guy who is a jerk – do not feel that  way at all, in fact, just more attracted to him.

There are a lot of books out there on how to recognize a commitmentphone, how to get over one, how to deal with one if you are in a relationship but really nothing, except maybe therapy, to tell you what to do IF YOU ARE ONE and don’t want to be.

Well, my thoughts on this go something like the following:

  • Take a deep breath
  • Try relaxation methods (really)
  • Take things really slowly

I’m not sure if I have always been a commitmentphobe. I have some early memories of being more embarrassed to tell my dad about a date than to actually go on one.  If I had to tell my father about it, chances were I wouldn’t go.  No, my paernts aren’t divorced, but my dad traveled a lot, so he wasn’t always home when I was younger.

When I got to college, I have two serious relationships, brought both of those young men home and it was no big deal and then I ended up marrying my high school crush.  That was in my 20s.

I was divorced in mid-to-late 20’s and it’s been a struggle for me since.  The only real – and I use that word lightly- relationship I was in probably pushed me to have anxiety everytime I attempt to be in a decent relationship.  He lied and led an entirely different life. I know, that really only seems to happen on America’s Most Wanted – but actually I think it happens more often than we realize.  This guy wasn’t *really* a criminal, but he was an asshole.  In fact, if you could go to jail for being an ass, he’d be serving multiple life sentences – and not concurrently.

I hope that someone can be patient enough to understand that I have anxiety, take it for what it is, take the time to get to know me and let me know him and help me crush those heart racing moments.

May 31, 2009

Fact or Fiction?

Filed under: dating,Men,relationships — by elle00 @ 12:49 am

ringsA week ago I was at a conference in Detroit and happened to walk through the Expo Hall where I ran into a booth for a hotelier.  The three people manning the booth asked me to fill out a survey for a drawing for a free stay at one of their properties.  As I was filling it out, one of the men was very fun and demanded attention.  He lived nearby me in the same state – the hotel chain’s headquarters are located in the same metro region in which I live.

He proceeded to ask me if, when we get back home, I would like to meet up for coffee or a drink.  Sure…why not? He seemed nice enough and it’s coffee…a drink…

As he said he would, he called and we met one afternoon…

He pulled up in a very nice car.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not a gold digger my any means, I have my own professional career, but it lends to where the story is going.  He was dressed casual and looked very nice.  I was actually thinking he was more attractive than I initially thought and he was charming as well.

So, we sit down when I see IT…the IT being a wedding band…on his right hand.  I looked at it, definitely a wedding band…with some diamonds too…but he’s talking and talking, not even noticing me looking at his hand.  He was saying how he had been in a rough relationship, they broke up and he’s dying to have some kids.  Not typical man-speak by any stretch of the imagination.

At least not in my experience.

I finally ask him about the ring and he says, “Oh, I should have told you about that. My brother was killed in by a drunk driver in 2007 and I wear it in remembrance and I’m saving it for my nephew, his son.”

Now, this sounds heartfelt and maybe it is, but there are some holes in this story for me.

1) a wedding band is between a husband and a wife last time I checked. The wife, his sister-in-law, is still alive and has the kids.  Or so the story goes.  So why wouldn’t SHE be keeping the ring herself, for her son?

2) I’m not sure I know any man, ANY, who wears a wedding ring “just because.” Even those who ARE married and who ARE committed don’t always wear a ring.  Then there are those who DO wear a ring and who are NOT committed.

My problem here goes beyond the “cheating” that would be implied here.  There are married men and women who cheat, no doubt, and there are men and women who cheat WITH those who are married.

What really has me concerned here is that  this man created such an elaborate lie. Why? Like I said, it’s one thing to cheat, but if you have a full on relationship with another person and you are married, where do you expct that to go? Also, what does it say about your character?

So, what do you think….do men wear wedding rings on any hand when they are NOT married?

Welcome to the Elle Word

Filed under: dating,family,parenting,relationships — by elle00 @ 12:30 am
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What this blog is about: my dating adventures.  I’m almost 40, a single mom…and want to share some of the stories about life and dating and relationships.  It’s therapeutic for me, so bear with me.

I will change names to protect the innocent…or in many cases the guilty.

At the request of some of my friends, I want to share these stories and create a place where they can actually see what’s going on and comment-in one place.  

Maybe some of my “wisdom” or “experiences” will help someone else in their journey of life. If not, at least I got this all out of my system!

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