The Elle Word

June 16, 2009

Crossing the threshold to “cougarlicious”

Filed under: dating,Men,relationships — by elle00 @ 2:08 am
Tags: , ,

cougarAs I am just a few weeks away from 40, I’ve realized I am about to be that “cougar” who you see on TV and hear about nonstop. Personally, I like that label better than MILF, which quite frankly I find degrading and nasty.  But still, cougar has negative conotations yet it’s rewarded by high-fives when our male couterparts date younger women.

Why is that?

I’ve almost always dated someone younger than me – only by a year or two typically, though my major long-term relationships have been with someone my own age or older. I don’t look my age and so often younger men don’t expect me to be nearing 40 and of course, I don’t think I act whatever a 40 year old is supposed to act like either.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a succesful professional career and I’m not at all the kind of woman who needs a man to do anything for me. In fact, because of the idiots I have dated, I am probably on the extreme end of “Oh, I got this” and don’t really know how to let a man even do anything for me

As I am shy of a month from crossing the “cougar” threshhold, I am struggling with what it all means.  I have girlfriends who are around 30 and I like them and can hang out with them, yet a man at 30 approaches me and I think its too young.  So why, righ tnow, am I intrigued by a 25 year old man? And why have I given every excuse in the world NOT to go out with him…and he’s debunked them all as excuses and called me out.  In fact, he said, “If you go out with me and you aren’t attracted to me and you don’t like me then I will accept that, but all these excuses, why don’t you take a minute to get to know me?”

So the problem here is not so much that he’s 25…I guess…and those are certainly the words I would want a man to say to me. Long story short, I am gonna give the 25 year old a shot. In the last 4 years, he’s the only person who has really been interested in taking some real time to get to know me. It’s a shame, but guys are so into themselves, they are narcissitic and quite frankly, so many lie – don’t make me go back to the married man post – that this is a welcome change. Young or not. Make me a cougar or not.

I’m gonna check it out. Will report back later 🙂

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June 15, 2009

Commitmentphobes wear dresses too…

Filed under: dating,Men,relationships — by elle00 @ 1:42 am
Tags: , , ,

And I am not talking about men in drag. Too often, ladies, and I am guilty of this myself, are attracted to the person who we know deep down inside is the least high risk for a real and deep relationship.  It’s the guys who are sweet, say the things we want them to say and call when they say they are going to call who we look at like they have 3 heads.

I know, I do it.  Luckily, the older I get, the more cognizant I am of my commitment issues. Being aware of them and being able to overcome them though, have to admit, it’s difficult. I haven’t figured out how, when a really nice guy is interested, to stop the immediate feelings of panic – from shortness of breath to nausea to heart racing – I feel it almost everytime. The guy who is a jerk – do not feel that  way at all, in fact, just more attracted to him.

There are a lot of books out there on how to recognize a commitmentphone, how to get over one, how to deal with one if you are in a relationship but really nothing, except maybe therapy, to tell you what to do IF YOU ARE ONE and don’t want to be.

Well, my thoughts on this go something like the following:

  • Take a deep breath
  • Try relaxation methods (really)
  • Take things really slowly

I’m not sure if I have always been a commitmentphobe. I have some early memories of being more embarrassed to tell my dad about a date than to actually go on one.  If I had to tell my father about it, chances were I wouldn’t go.  No, my paernts aren’t divorced, but my dad traveled a lot, so he wasn’t always home when I was younger.

When I got to college, I have two serious relationships, brought both of those young men home and it was no big deal and then I ended up marrying my high school crush.  That was in my 20s.

I was divorced in mid-to-late 20’s and it’s been a struggle for me since.  The only real – and I use that word lightly- relationship I was in probably pushed me to have anxiety everytime I attempt to be in a decent relationship.  He lied and led an entirely different life. I know, that really only seems to happen on America’s Most Wanted – but actually I think it happens more often than we realize.  This guy wasn’t *really* a criminal, but he was an asshole.  In fact, if you could go to jail for being an ass, he’d be serving multiple life sentences – and not concurrently.

I hope that someone can be patient enough to understand that I have anxiety, take it for what it is, take the time to get to know me and let me know him and help me crush those heart racing moments.

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